O. Henry Quotes

I should be a postage stamp. That’s the only way I’ll ever get licked!

Obviously we're doing a comedy [Fresh Hell], and our intent is to entertain, but we're also really aware and trying to stay aware of the subtext of what it's like to reach a certain age and be dismissed, basically, from the fraternity you've always wanted to be a part of, and the desperation involved in trying to claw your way back into it.

It's funny to see my friends going through that middle-age thing about losing their hair. I went through it in college. They all say, "Oh my God, I'm getting old. I'm never getting laid again." Shut up. Yes, you are.

I think when you turn 50 you get a little melancholic in a way.

If I'm laughing, you know I'm either very happy or very sad. I cope with things with jokes.

God, I'm just a fat bald guy, 60 years old, singing the blues, you know?

My hairline is receding. So my days as a romantic lead - even though I've never had them - are behind me.

I was scared to say I was in my 40s because at that point, it sounded really old, and to out myself as a middle-aged human - I felt very awkward about it.

Existence loves laughter. You may have observed, or not, that man is the only animal in the whole of existence who is capable of laughing. Laughter is the only distinguishing mark that you are not a buffalo, you are not a donkey; you are a human being. Laughter defines your humanity and your evolution. And the greatest laugh is at your own ridiculous things.

Which natural gift would you most like to possess? The ability to master other languages (which would have hugely enhanced the scope of these answers). How would you like to die? Fully conscious, and either fighting or reciting (or fooling around). What do you most dislike about your appearance? The way in which it makes former admirers search for neutral words.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I'm surprised I still have so much hair after all the things I've done with it.

My mother had demonstrated that the best way to defeat the numbing ambivalence of middle age is to surprise yourself - by pulling off some cartwheel of thought or action never even imagined at a younger age.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

I warn people, your 40s will require massive amounts of humor and humility.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.

In this desperate way, I started many a comedy.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Balding if God's way of showing you are only human... He takes the hair off your head and puts it in your ears.

being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.

Jimmy Stewart said he stopped making movies because he didn't like the way he looked on screen anymore. I'm more the guy who says I look like hell but I'm going to see where it gets me.

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.