Elmore Leonard Quotes

Beat the dog and the panther will learn a lesson.

Why did the warrior cross the road? [Koldo] That’s easy. To kill the guy on the other side. [Nicola] A bud of amusement had her smiling. Knock, knock. [Koldo] Who’s there? [Nicola] Donut. Donut who? Donut run from me, puny girl.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

You have to be careful what you say in front of comedy writers because they will absolutely make fun of it in the next episode.

I'm really bad at writing jokes.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

My father was so very afraid. I felt it in the sting of his black leather belt, which he applied with more anxiety than anger, my father who beat me as if someone might steal me away, because that was exactly what was happening all around us.

He whipped her to make her scream and then he whipped her to make her hush.

If they are laughing at you, how can they bludgeon you to death?

I don't write punch lines.

I just try to deliver the laughs every time I get the opportunity.

Comedy is not easy to do - where you make someone laugh out loud in their living room.

One night in a club in Boston, I tried the name Roger Duck. No laughs. The next night, I tried Orson Bean, putting together a pompous first name and a silly second name. I got laughs, so I decided to keep it.

Some people are natural-born punchers and I think I've always had it.

My mother was the most wicked mother ever seen in life when it came to beating. Oh-la-la! Every time I would say, 'This is the end of me.' Oh, how she would beat me.

Comedy is easy. You have to react to what others are saying and it is all about the timing, the dialogue delivery.

I use mother-in-law jokes, kid jokes, tax jokes - anything that works.

You just tell a good story where you're funny and it makes people laugh.

Let's face it, when is it actually ever funny to joke about hitting someone? Never, right? The threat to give someone a slap, no matter how you look at it, is aggressive.

Like with all other crime, we must, of course, treat the perpetrators of these actions as the criminals they are. But unlike with the vast majority of other crime, justice is not delivered simply by punishing the perpetrator. This is because the harm associated with domestic violence extends far beyond the point of contact.

I think the NFL needs a more stringent policy when it comes to domestic violence. Make the punishment work.

The joke is, we all have the same punchline.

I don't know karate, but I know ka-razy!

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.