Pat Williams Quotes

In Men in Black, it was a very small character, no pun intended.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

Puns are the highest form of literature.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation Energy, Mayo Shattuck. That's a pretty cool first name, isn't it, Mayo. Pass the Mayo.

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

The elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an 'elk-a-hole'.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.