Christopher Moore Quotes

What do you get if you multiply six by nine?" "Six by nine. Forty two." "That's it. That's all there is." "I always thought something was fundamentally wrong with the universe

Knock! knock! who's there? me! me who? that's right? what's right? meehoo! that's what I want to know! what's what you want to know? me who? yes, exactly! exactly what? yes, I have exactlywatt on a chain! exactly what on a chain? yes! yes what? no, exactlywatt! that's what I want to know! I told you-exactlywatt! exactly what? yes! yes what? yes it's with me. what's with you? exactlywatt-that's what with me. me who? yes! go away! knock knock...

Every time I see the bumper sticker that says “We think we’re humans having spiritual experiences, but we’re really spirits having human experiences,” I (a) think it’s true and (b) want to ram the car.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.

I always see the absurdity in most situations. It's my experience of how life works.

There are two kinds of stones, as everyone knows, one of which rolls.

A lot of what I do - I have to try and make sense of things before I can make nonsense of them.

Don't talk to me about a man's being able to talk sense; everyone can talk sense. Can he talk nonsense?

I love the absurd - kind of absurdist comedy, absurd things in life.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

The tail must wag the dog, for the horse is drawn by the cart

We have a need to make people laugh at things they'd never thought about, make them laugh at things that aren't logical.

I have figured for you the distance between the horns of a dilemma, night and day, and A and Z. I have computed how far is Up, how long it takes to get Away, and what becomes of Gone. I have discovered the length of the sea serpent, the price of priceless, and the square of the hippopotamus. I know where you are when you are at Sixes and Sevens, how much Is you have to have to make an Are, and how many birds you can catch with the salt in the ocean - 187,796,132, if it would interest you.

Nonexistence. The society of the nonexistent. In the street yesterday a nonexistent person trod on my foot with his nonexistent foot.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Making fun of philosophy is really philosophising.

We need more fruitcakes in this world, and less bakers!

Now I know which came first - the chicken not the egg.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

If there are no spots on a sugar cube then I’ve just put a dice in my tea.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

Absurdity is what I like most in life.

If invisible people eat invisible food does invisible wind blow invisible trees?