Henny Youngman Quotes

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Most people outside of America won't get it. It's the Easter bunny. It's another lie and I don't understand why we had to invent this character.

I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.

You can't teach standup comedy. You can teach someone how to formulate a joke, but making it funny is different.

It's funny, when you have a theme so particular to cows - or it could be anything like hair or nails - when you're rapping about a specific thing, you can have more punchlines about it.

As a kid, I was always the jokester. I was telling stories at dinner and trying to make people laugh.

Comedy is not about appearance; it's about rockin' a mike. Are they laughing? That's the only test.

You never want to defend a joke. People get to choose whether or not to laugh and whether or not they think something is funny.

American and French culture are really, really different, but in a way it's funny.

You can't fake comedy. You can't make it look beautiful or put an interesting bit of music on in the background: funny can only be funny if you're funny.

Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it's not funny, they'll let you know.

I listen to a lot of standup comics.

They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny.

The whole point of real comedy is that you can say something that is true, and by being funny, you can make it tolerable for people, and hopefully they'll laugh at you, too.

A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.

I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh.

I believe it is tough to be funny and tougher to make people laugh. And it needs to be been done effortlessly. A joke can be comedy, but one can kill the joke if it is delivered badly.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?

Summing it Up..."Where's a good place for dinner?" I asked. "There's the Brasserie Lipp on the Avenue St. Germaine," she said, "or La Coupole in Montmartre." "Not La Coupole," I said. "I've been there before. That's the place that's crowded and noisy and smells bad and everybody's rude as hell, isn't it?" "I think you just described France," she said.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

We're going to start with the injury report, obviously. Manning, Clark, Addai, Reggie Wayne, Freeney, Mathis, Brackett - all those guys will not play. Oh, hold up. That was my wish list for Santa Claus.