Jimmy Fallon Quotes

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

Ross Perot. I could have had a ball with him.

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.

First Lady sounds like the name of a race horse.

We all joke about Bush. You go to a meeting and just say “Bush” and everyone will laugh.

My whole career has been an Ann Coulter roast.

I've been making fun of Donald Trump - we all have - for 10 years, and just bringing up his name... I mean, even if you're supportive of Donald Trump, there's still a lot to make fun of.

Let's make Donald Trump explain his hair.

People go, 'Oh, Trump must be good for comedy,' and I go, 'Ehhh.'

Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them.

Wit puts politicians at risk.

[Remark about Calvin Coolidge she says was erroneously attributed to her:] I do wish he did not look as if he had been weaned on a pickle.

Ronald Reagan has held the two most demeaning jobs in the country; President of the United States and radio broadcaster for the Chicago Cubs.

For my birthday, buy me a politician!

Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging.

I admire Laura Bush because she's the only librarian who would marry an illiterate.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

Michele Bachmann... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.... Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson's endorsement, there's an Amen in every sentence he says too.

In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part.

Dear Bill (O'Reilly)...I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician? That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection!

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

I'm not a politician, I'm a comedian. I know my limitations.

I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.