Frank Carson Quotes

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

I've never said flange to a monkey!

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

If I had a reed made of lightening I could blow the sax all night... I don't know where one would acquire a reed made of lightening but I would imagine that Bill Clinton has one.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

Then there was the time in Hollywood when I sat down in a breakaway chair and it collapsed on me. I was nearly knocked out and might have been even more seriously hurt but my fall was broken by the smog.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."

Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.

So I watched the Pink Panther last night, and so I'm trying desperately to be funny, and then it's just not working out so good... I wonder if maybe I could've been a comedian or something like that, or maybe I could've been a doctor, then I wouldn't have to make anyone laugh.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I sleep so much better at night, knowing that America is protected from thin pickles and fast ketchup.