Demetri Martin Quotes

In my life, I got a haircut junior year of college that was a real wash-'n-go type of situation. It was short. I had six or seven people say I looked just like Hugh Grant. And I was like, 'That's a man. So... that's not nice.'

I'm a dork!

I don't think of myself as hot or cool or anything, just a dork.

People think I have an interesting walk. Hell, I'm just trying to hold my gut in.

When I see old photos of me on the beach I don't look too bad... but it's hard trying to breathe in for such a long time when I spot the photographers!

I was a pretty nerdy kid. I was pretty nerdy. I'm still kind of nerdy. I have all of the worst qualities of being a nerd - all of the affect and none of the smarts. I'm a useless nerd! That's pretty bad.

I'm a goof. C'mon, everyone knows that.

One time I had an awkward moment on purpose, you know, just to see what it feels like. I slipped getting out of my car at a big event. I got out of the car and fell face first into the street. A lot of cameras were on me. I was pretty embarrassed. I did it on purpose, though.

I'm a weird goofy dork.

People who know me know that I am very clumsy, always fumbling, and I talk rubbish most of the times.

My beard is just an ongoing effort to hide my face as much as possible.

Oh, my God, I would be the most uncool band member, ever.

If there's a photo of a roomful of kids I'm the one with the biggest smile or my hand over my face.

My friends make me laugh: funny Instagram videos, but mostly people falling over. It's so bad, but it never gets old. I just love how people cover up their falls. The whole experience of 'Oh, I just fell, and I'm going to run out of the fall and pretend I did this on purpose.' I just like to see how people cover up their mishaps.

I never even was in any of my high school plays. I mean, look at me. What role could they give me - the tooth fairy?

I think trying to be hot is the antithesis of trying to be funny. If you're aware of what you look like, or you're trying to... you can't be truly funny.

I like to think of myself as the corniest, most awful thing you could possibly imagine.

I know how much embarrassment hurts, and I love it as a theme because you can keep digging a hole. It's just an endless well, embarrassment.

Luce blushed. "Then what kind of angel are you?" "I'm sort of in between gigs right now," Daniel said.

A lot of people can be very scared about making themselves vulnerable and appearing uncool. I don't really give a damn; as long as it's funny, I'll do it [make fun of myself].

Once I got over the fact that my Latin teacher was a horse, we had a nice tour, though I was careful not to walk behind him. I'd done pooper-scooper patrol in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade a few times, and, I'm sorry, I did not trust Chiron's back the the way I trusted his front.

Well, I can't (sing or dance). Actually, I sing like a seal and dance like your Uncle Leo at that wedding where he got up and went 'ya, ya, ya'.

Which weakness shall I tell her? “I walk funny,” I say, and she’s satisfied with that. (inside joke)

This worked out perfectly for me in college, because what nineteen-year-old Virginia boy doesn't want a wide-hipped, sarcastic Greek girl with short hair that's permed on top? What's that you say? None of them want that? You are correct.

It's not terribly dignified to have anyone seeing one laugh at one's own material.