Will Rogers Quotes

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

There is nothing more frightening to a political satirist than an honest administration.

Definition of Moron: What the Republicans would call George W. Bush if he were the Democratic President

Senator Obama has been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately, and you know, I couldn’t agree with him more.

Thank you, Mr. President, for hosting us and giving me the chance to be with so many people I haven’t voted for.

When it comes to politics, comedians read between the lines and see hypocrisies and half-truths. And we report those things to regular people who go, 'I noticed that, too!' or 'You're right, that doesn't make sense!'

As for George Bush of Kennebunkport, Maine- personally I think he's further evidence that the Great Scriptwriter in the Sky has an overdeveloped sense of irony.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

And lips say “God be pitiful,” Who ne'er said “God be praised.”

It's funny - people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and THEY go to CHURCH.

It really gets me when the critics say I haven't done enough for the economy. I mean, look what I've done for the book publishing industry. You've heard some of the titles. 'Big Lies,' 'The Lies of George W. Bush,' 'The Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.' I'd like to tell you I've read each of these books, but that'd be a lie.

When I was researching my very first novel, "The Basic Eight," I was calling right-wing political and religious organizations and asking them to mail me their material so that I could mock them in my novels.

Because everyone knows liberals have never been wrong about anything. You can ask them. Anytime.

One of my most often repeated quips was the one I made when former Presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon stood by each other at a White House event. 'There they are,' I said. 'See no evil, hear no evil, and . . . evil.'

Why it's been left to me to smooth things over, I don't know. Dennis Rodman, of all people. Keeping us safe is really not my job; it's the black guy's [Obama's] job. But I'll tell you this: If I don't finish in the top three for the next Nobel Peace Prize, something's seriously wrong.

You gave me your curse, holy Fathers. I give you a blessing: May you be as moral and religious as I am.

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.

George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.

On the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, "Governor, you are as good a politician as you were an actor." What a cheap shot.

When those people get up at the Grammys and say, "I thank God", I always imagine God going, "Oh, don't, please don't thank me for that one. Please, oh, that's an awful one! Don't thank me for that - that's a piece of crap !"

Could you do a liberal propaganda tool that would bore the bejesus out of people? No.

Ministers fall like buttered slices of bread: usually on their good side.

Here comes the pope saying, "Well, that may be true about Cruz, but you build walls, and we Christians don't do that. So you're not a Christian, either." Sometimes all you can do is chuckle. I mean, you need a break from it some. You just can't be intense and wadded up all the time here, folks.