Demetri Martin Quotes

You and I are forever at the mercy of the census-taker and the census-maker. That impertinent fellow who goes from house to house is one of the real masters of the statistical situation. The other is the man who organizes the results.

Think about how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.

People ask me how come you've been around so long. Well, it's through playing the part of Mr Average Joe American.

I think I'm probably more typical of the average American who doesn't have a connection to a military community.

I wonder...would you rather have 100 from an average person or 10 from someone who is outstanding

Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play Hamlet at once, they couldn’t, because there aren’t enough skulls!

One of the most ridiculous defenses of foreign aid is that it is a very small part of our national income. If the average American set fire to a five-dollar bill, it would be an even smaller percentage of his annual income. But everyone would consider him foolish for doing it.

One of the things that got me on this topic for this book was that when I was researching the column I wrote in 2009 saying that I was stepping down from my column at "Newsweek" because I wanted to make room for newer, fresh voices out there, I discovered that in the year I was born, 1952, the average life expectancy of an American was 68. I was shocked by that figure and every time I mention it I hear a gasp from somebody in the crowd. Now, of course, we're more or less at 80, so that means that we've gotten 12 additional years.

Donald Trump is targeting the traditional Republican voters, the average person with an average income, the working class, a certain group of entrepreneurs and those people who embrace traditional values.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

An average person with average talents and ambition and average education, can outstrip the most brilliant genius in our society, if that person has clear, focused goals.

The average person is either a weakling, or just a happy person who wants to get along, or thinks being tough is having big muscles and strutting around town and having a good-looking girlfriend.

I think it's a sign that the establishment is going to have to change. For too long they never thought about the average person, because the average person is not organized.

Apart from the fact that I can move the bike fast, I am basically Joe Average.

For alarmingly large chunks of an average day, I am a moron.

While the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will be up to, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician.

I've always wanted to be taller. I feel like a shrimp, but that's the way it goes. I'm five-foot four-and-a-half-inches - that's actually average. Everything about me is average. Everything's normal, in the books. It's the things inside me that make me not average.

I mean, the liberal democrats aren't going to tell the average American, "Yeah, you're being shafted because of the policies that we've established over the years that we're maintaining now." That's not going to be an answer. And they're not getting answers from the left.

July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

There are a lot of people out there that really aren't that different than me, I consider myself a pretty average guy, so hopefully they understand me and know where I am coming from. I kinda feel like I am a voice for them.

The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks she is above average.

Individual talent is too sporadic and unpredictable to be allowed any important part in the organization society. Social systems which endure are built on the average person who can be trained to occupy any position adequately if not brilliantly.

I think that the so-called average person often exhibits a great deal of heroism in getting through an ordinary day . . .

Most people are such fools that it is really no great compliment to say that someone is above the average.