Mark Twain Quotes

The Republican National Convention was a rage-athon featuring a parade of hemorrhoidal has-beens.

This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from 'Duck Dynasty.' It was a good weekend for conservatives - and a great weekend for wild animals.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

I can't remember who it was who advocated that you should march with the left and dine with the right but I've often concurred, taking the view that I personify the great tolerance of Britain by consenting to being regally entertained. Besides, there is a degree of truth in the view that while the left are worthier, the right are wittier.

One of my movies was called 'True Lies.' It's what the Democrats should have called their convention.

I'm so Republican, my first name starts with 'R.' I'm so right-wing - well, Randy Weber. You do the math.

Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

May you be as rich as a Republican and have the sex life of a Democrat.

Vote Labor and you can build castles in the air. Vote Conservative and you can live in them.

[Describing a presidential campaign:] A three year diet of rubber chicken and occasional crow.

Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

No doubt the ridiculous politicians are right to like politics. They have found careers in which success can be achieved by being ridiculous. Imagine Jimmy Carter or George W. Bush rising to the top of any other profession.

I was joking the other day that I'm American UKIP.

I'd rather form my own party than ever join Ukip. We could call it the Widdy Mob. I'm joking.

On channels terrified of accusations of bias, or political retribution, comics making jokes about the growing power base of far-right politicians aren't taking the 'easy' route.

I'm a Republican myself, though I think there are actually some Democrats in Lynyrd Skynyrd.

The Conservatives have never been a party burdened by needless sentimentality; some MPs only keep their children's photos in their wallet to make sure that at the end of term they don't bring the wrong one home.

I think President Obama is clearly, you know, a Republican. I know, because in the 1990s I was a Republican, and he's way to the right of me, and I've hardly changed any positions.

At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, 'Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife.'

The Republican Party has become an ethnic nationalist party.

The beasts (Conservatives) had committed suicide to save themselves from slaughter.

Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.

Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven't seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.

The people I really feel sorry for are all the writers out there who wrote these outrageous comedic romps about a grossly unqualified person who goes on to become a Vice Presidential candidate in a hotly contested presidential race. With hilarious results. They must be so bummed.

I've played a murderer, so certainly I think I can play a Republican.