Les Dawson Quotes

My puns are not trivial. They are quadrivial

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans

There is a single entendre, but I don't know about a triple one.

It was so quiet, you could hear a pun drop.

Puns are the droppings of soaring wits.

Only the pun remains. The pun, beloved of Shakespeare, children and tabloid headline-writers, is normally eschewed in the modern, sophisticated circles in which I move.

Puns are a form of humor with words.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I wish my name was Cobb. Then they would send over a Cobb salad.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!

You can't spell squirrel without si, and that's me.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

The elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an 'elk-a-hole'.

The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

I had a friend who had two degrees of being made up: when invited I would say 'Can I make up?' and he would say 'Oh yes - tinted?', or he would say, 'Oh yes - clotted?'

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?