Steven Wright Quotes

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

I'm a prankster, so some of the - you know, I like a good joke. I think when it's funny, it's funny.

She's just playing a trick on us. This is just an Alaska Young Prank Extraordinaire. It's Alaska being Alaska, funny and playful and not knowing when or how to put on the brakes.

It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being. Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO. The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile. What a scamp.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Ladies, I'll let you in on a lil secret: guys don't notice your nails.

The simile has to match the tone of its surroundings and has to be like a little joke. Writing a simile that isn't funny on some level is quite hard.

Puns are a form of humor with words.

Nobody pulls a prank like George Clooney.

I pretty much will do anything for a laugh.

If you've got cool nails, you wake up and you're like, 'Oh, I'm happy now.'

I do like to shock and surprise people. When it's all in good fun, of course.

I'm very interested in any script that makes me laugh.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

I try to photobomb as much as possible.

I love winding up Geoffrey Boycott.

I prank my manager. I tell him I've lost my passport, or I've lost my case, or I hide his case. He is so gullible, he is the most gullible person ever.

I would say the best trick I've pulled was putting salt instead of sugar in Phil Neville's tea.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

You know me... I can't resist a good prank.

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Nails are the period at the end of the sentence. They complete the look

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.