Bill Maher Quotes

Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.

I am genuinely sorry that my attendance at an event which, other than my comments, appears to have primarily involved a discussion of cockfighting, has created concern on the part of many Kentucky voters.

The topic of Sarah Palin has been open season to the media, entertainment industry, and club comics alike.

A lot of the people who are supposed to be enforcing the crime, enforcing the law, are also criminals. They've suppressed something in their childhood and they don't want to think they themselves were sexually abused as children or they are abusing their own children and they're sitting on a bench and they either can't admit it, won't admit it, depending on how deeply buried it is.

I think the worst thing [Donald Trump]did was the tweet the other night about illegal votes.

John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, 'What? People are listening to my speeches?'

At the end of the day I'm gonna be dead one day, and what people say about me is going what I accomplished and what I did in my life and how my children are. And I don't think it's gonna be what was printed in the tabloids this year.

Remember, folks - do not doubt me on this - the media gets up every day hoping, praying, dreaming, thinking that that day something is going to surface or happen that will end up being the silver bullet that gets rid of Donald Trump.

I think it's unworkable. What are we going to have, people like in contentious divorces suddenly claiming that one or the other of them should go to jail because once he or she spanked the child.

I think it's always hard for children to talk about abuse because it is only memory. I didn't carry around a tape recorder … I didn't chisel anything in stone … Anybody can look and say, 'Well how do you know for sure?' And that's one of the most painful things about it. You don't.

During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I think I asphyxiated my children.

God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.

I think people, especially the press, like to pick on children of famous people and I think that's fucking awful. Things get made up. It's so, so sad. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it as a 16-year-old. You're like, Why? What did I do?

A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler.

I think there's no question that everything possible is being done to stop Donald Trump and you're seeing a case study in how hard it is to be outsider and the double standard of the national media, particularly if you're a conservative outsider.

The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.

The President has apologized for his activities with Monica Lewinsky. These were too little, too late, in my opinion.

I think what we've done is given children a lot of things that they didn't ask for instead of what they do want.

You cannot compare me to somebody who makes apologies for Hitler. And I don't think Putin is comparable.

I think a lot of the energy that the media and the Democrats are bringing to this is rooted in a belief that they can get rid of Donald Trump. I really think that that's something they think they can do.

I think there are other alternatives there than hitting a child, striking the child.

Here's some exciting news - according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it's too early to tell who would lose bigger!

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.