Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

I don't mean to be funny.

If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

I have an incredibly dry sense of humor.

Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say: Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

I can be sarcastic.

Humor is probably the most significant characteristics of the human mind. Far more significant than reason. In fact, reason is actually a very cheap commodity.

Humor comes from the surprise release of some buried tension.

Sometimes a witticism has no truth behind it.

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren't in a very good mood.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you're doing. That's my way.

Even on the most serious ballads, I'll throw in a tongue-in-cheek remark.

I'm not very funny!

I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself.

There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature.

I think I have always had a little humor.

You know what burns me? Matches.

Sometimes you say things with a smile with the precise intention of making it clear that you are not being serious, and are only kidding. If I salute a friend with a smile and say, 'How are you, you old scoundrel!' clearly I don't really mean he's a scoundrel.

I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

For me, humor is everything!