Jon Stewart Quotes

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

My agent tells me I am drawing the largest salary ever paid in the halls of England. Wonderful, isn't it? for a quiet, rural gardener like myself.

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?

I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.

You can compare me with Greta Garbo. I have big feet, too.

I like the Kardashians, but I do keep them on the top of my prayer list.

I don't care what you say about me. Just be sure to spell my name wrong.

Frankly, despite my horror of the press, I'd love to rise from the grave every ten years or so and go buy a few newspapers.

Right now I'm the most famous silent movie actress in the world and I want to keep that for me. So I hope there's not going to be any other silent movies.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I'm an idol of cinema? Oh, wow.

Ah, reality TV: where opportunists delight in exposing opportunism! It's kind of like the indie music scene.

If you go on the Internet and type in 'Lee Ryan one liners,' I think I'm on par with Gandhi.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Heaven looks a lot like New Jersey.

I'm in a class by myself, along with people like Rod Stewart.

I'm the one who started spreading that particular factoid, about Bendis, Azz and me all being bald Brian's from Cleveland, just to get my name mentioned in the same sentence as two much-better writers, and it's worked like a goddamn charm. Next up, I'm going to grow a big, disgusting beard, just so people will start talking about Alan Moore and me in the same breath.

You know you are really famous the day you discover you have become a comic character!

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

I've taken up the Bible again, somewhat in the spirit of W.C. Fields - looking for loopholes.

I would say probably Paris [Hilton]. Because to me that's her in character and she kind was always sort of winking at the camera. There was satire I think involved in what she was doing. I like to think there was.

My brother is undoubtedly arrogant," Tyrion Lannister replied. "My father is the soul of avarice, and my sweet sister Cersei lusts for power with every waking breath. I, however, am innocent as a little lamb. Shall I bleat for you?

There are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team's goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally.

Can't you see me as king of the Hereford ranchers, Lucy?" "Oh, I can see you, all right... I can see you riding out on your beautiful palomino checking the herd... There you sit, silhouetted against the evening sky... Sucking your thumb and holding that stupid blanket!

The only source of the true Ridiculous (as it appears to me) is affectation