Joan Rivers Quotes

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I don't know, I never smoked AstroTurf.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.

'The Sundial' is written with the kind of humor that would make a guillotine laugh.

When Kubrick decided to go the black comedy route with his movie, he thought of me to give it that flavor.

I like an English sense of humor: dry, dirty, a little bit off. That's kind of my taste.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

One of the things I'll always remember from my time with 'Black Mirror' is the sense of all the tongue and cheek, and very, very dark sense of comedy there, too.

To me, most comedy is dark comedy.

I find heartbreaking stuff really funny.

I like dark humor. I think the world is very funny and tragic, and my photographs are basically dark Jewish humor.

It's hard to make a joke out of someone that's a joke.

I would love to be part of dark comedies. I love them! They are no-nonsense, no spoonfeeding, and the norms and cliches are left behind.

[Jenks]"I think you're all screwy in the head," he said when Bis nodded his encouragement. "But go ahead. I've got Quen's number in my phone. I'll call him if you both explode in a flash of black underwear and money so I won't have to fly all the way home.

She looked at me and laughed pointlessly. Then she flounced over to the dog, kissed it with ecstasy, and swept into the kitchen, implying that a dozen chefs awaited her orders there.

If anybody needs me, I'm in my room being embalmed.

It as true that normal people couldn't hear Gaspode speak, because dogs don't speak. It's a well know fact. ... Besides, almost all dogs don't talk. Ones that do are merely a statistical error, and can therefore be ignored.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War.

God is dead but my hair is perfect.

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.

Observe that noses were made to wear spectacles; and so we have spectacles. Legs were visibly instituted to be breeched, and we have breeches. Stones were formed to be quarried and to build castles; and My Lord has a very noble castle; the greatest Baron in the province should have the best house; and as pigs were made to be eaten, we eat pork all year round; consequently, those who have asserted all is well talk nonsense; they ought to have said that all is for the best.