Terry Pratchett Quotes

There are two ways of dealing with nonsense in this world. One way is to put nonsense in the right place; as when people put nonsense into nursery rhymes. The other is to put nonsense in the wrong place; as when they put it into educational addresses, psychological criticisms, and complaints against nursery rhymes or other normal amusements of mankind.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Eve was still frowning at the pasta like she suspected it was going to do something clever, like try to escape from the pot.

A human being having a full emotional conversation with a dog is funny, innately. It's one of those things where you get in a scene and you always go for what is the best joke, and a talking dog for some reason, whatever he says, is hilarious." (about his role wiht a talking dog in the forthcoming MEN IN BLACK sequel.

I love playing people who don't have a sense of humor for instance, there's nothing funnier to me than a person with no sense of humor.

She looked at me and laughed pointlessly. Then she flounced over to the dog, kissed it with ecstasy, and swept into the kitchen, implying that a dozen chefs awaited her orders there.

I love meeting people who have absolutely no sense of irony. It's really fascinating to imagine what it would be like to go through life without understanding even the most basic of ironies.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

These people were not only cheering, they were throwing flowers and hats. The hats were made of stone, but the thought was there.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

Some people are so poor, all they have is their money.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.

Since Dominic's been sleeping with me, the mice have been trying various labels on him, looking for one that fits. My personal favorite was the week they spent calling him "the God of Absolutely Never Smiling, No, Not Ever.

Some dogs act like people and some people act like dogs.

God is dead but my hair is perfect.

Observe that noses were made to wear spectacles; and so we have spectacles. Legs were visibly instituted to be breeched, and we have breeches. Stones were formed to be quarried and to build castles; and My Lord has a very noble castle; the greatest Baron in the province should have the best house; and as pigs were made to be eaten, we eat pork all year round; consequently, those who have asserted all is well talk nonsense; they ought to have said that all is for the best.

Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you.

Who says I'm insane?" "Oh you're sane alright. You're so sane, you scare me. You're so sane, it's insane.

I can't be talking to a tree. If I was talking to a tree I'd be mad, and I'm not mad, so trees can't talk.

My social life is much better, since I stopped spending it with other people.

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great.

I had pecs for about two days. Everyone would hate me. Just look at me walking around with my little peacoat on. My little customized pea coat.