Jackie Mason Quotes

I just have to work on the apologetic side because I'm Canadian. We apologize for everything.

When I was 11 I had to umpire a game. I got hit in the head and got knocked out. The ball was hit straight back, hit the bail and knocked my head.

I was brought up in a way that when you're at a dinner party, you don't grab a chip unless it's been offered to everyone else. It's the manners of being brought up by English parents.

U.K. guys think it is cheesy to be nice.

To Americans, English manners are far more frightening than none at all.

Politeness is, you know, is a wonderful thing. Manners are in fact, really important thing. But remember, Jesus didn't have many manners as we now know.

I was brought up by the English side of my family, who are very repressed and working class. Absolutely lovely, but very English.

Everything you've heard about Canadians apologizing profusely for things they shouldn't be sorry about is absolutely true. It is both sweet, endearing and worrisome at the same time. Having someone apologize for no reason actually makes me feel as though I should apologize for their need to apologize.

When I was starring as Roxie Hart in 'Chicago,' I got my stiletto heel caught in my fishnet tights and fell flat on my face. It was incredibly painful and not something you can cover up.

America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.

Oh, all southern women say they're sorry. You could do almost anything, bump into some one, don't spread the jam right, you're always sorry. I've had people tell me to stop saying it so much!

I was much distressed by next door people who had twin babies and played the violin; but one of the twins died, and the other has eaten the fiddle, so all is peace.

It was the nearest to a casualty on the Spray in her whole course, so far as I know. The young man having come on board with compliments made the mishap most embarrassing.

If I hurt someone, if I were to accidentally poke someone's eye out, I would laugh. And then I'd say, 'I'm sorry, I really do feel bad,' but then I'm on the floor rolling.

The English never smash in a face. They merely refrain from asking it to dinner.

I fell off a chair onto a broken water glass when I was 3 years old.

I think Americans have always been pretty outspoken. I always found that if you had emotions in England, it's like, 'Here's a cup of tea.'

Compliments are very un-British, but when someone pays you one, you should take it.

I'm not disrespectful, I try to be polite.

I think every girl needs a good lip split story, I have one. I fell onto my front door doorknob coming back from the mailbox, once.

What's so useful about the British culture of politeness is the level of passive aggression is really fun to write.

As long as those adjectives used to describe me - charming, affable, punctual - don't mean that I'm dull, then that's fine. And I am polite - I was brought up to be that way.

When I think of baths, I generally think of children, the elderly, couples, and the English. Who takes baths? I mean, seriously - none of my friends take baths.

Disaster, to me, means in some big or small way, things going wrong. And that's obviously a matter of perception, right? Let's say your puppy chewed up all the shoes in your house. She probably had a fine time doing that. In her mind, a red letter day, the highlight of her puppy life.

People in England have a lot of respect. It is relaxed here.