Dick Van Dyke Quotes

Anyone can become a game show host. It simply requires a giant, narcissistic ego and an inability to do anything else. The closest thing to school I did was looking in the mirror one hundred times a day and repeating, 'People should listen to you talk.'

I think I've cornered the market at playing ineffectual. I think I'm quite accomplished at it.

I'd be an absolutely appalling detective... Appalling.

I feel the producers really exploited my lack of talent at this time. I looked like an idiot up there. I want to be good, not something that people will laugh at.

I'm going to be Dog, and I'm going to be an entertainer. And I'm going to make mistakes.

I think I was very shy and introverted when I was younger, and yet, when I got in front of the camera or went out on the town, I was able to go out half-naked and do anything.

I told jokes badly.

I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone... it's a joke!

I shouldn't have acted. I didn't exhibit any ability. I was one of the kids in the school play who was just mouthing words, and they weren't the actual words of the song. I was pretty lame!

I was just terrified in front of the camera. I couldn't even say my own name. I walked out of a handful of auditions. I mean, ran out in cold sweats. I was just so nervous and insecure.

There's a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can't do it without a healthy ego. Why would you want anybody to listen to you?

… a loser!

We’re not very good at cutting things. We’re not even good at reducing things.

He is no more fit to handle the case than an ass is to play a harp.

I actually participated in a Little Miss Orange Blossom Contest when was I was seven or eight years old. I remember standing up on the stage and thinking, 'Oh boy, I should not be here.' Obviously, I didn't win.

Incompetent and relentless are the worst combination of qualities.

I have no skills. I'm bad at most things.

Was there ever anyone more ill-suited for being the showman of the year than me?

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.

I like to just be humble. The more interviews, the more embarrassed I kind of get.

I attended speech and drama classes with a nun to help me gain confidence in speaking without my face turning red each time.

Nobody likes a presenter melting in a self-indulgent puddle of tears.

If someone put a camera in my face now, when I am in student mode, I would get embarrassed, but when I am modelling, I play characters.

That's the thing: when I'm on stage, I don't care; there could be ten people there, there could be ten million people there. But if I'm offstage, I'm, like, counting the people. I know exactly where everyone's standing, how far they are from me.

I think, like, in real life, I'm actually quiet, and I mumble a lot. But that's not very lucrative.