Augusten Burroughs Quotes

I'm fine, and my hips are fine. My false knee is fine. My false hips are fine. Everything's cooking.

When one woman found out I had multiple sclerosis, she said to me, 'My heart bleeds for you.' I said to her, 'Well, my heart bleeds for you, because you're an idiot.'

I'm missing an index finger.

I'm afraid they've left their legs at home.

Sadly, I am not able to take part in the fieldwork myself so much anymore, as both of my legs were amputated following an airplane crash twelve years ago.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

Goodness, that Simon Cowell is a sensitive soul.

It's factual to say I am a bilateral-below-the-knee amputee. I think it's subjective opinion as to whether or not I am disabled because of that. That's just me.

I've had journalists asking me, 'What do we call you - is it handicapped, are you disabled, physically challenged?' I said, 'Well hopefully you could just call me Aimee. But if you have to describe it, I'm a bilateral below-the-knee amputee.'

When we began filming, these people had legs, but as we were filming, they had been injured and they were brought to the hospital to have their legs amputated, and that's where we found them and asked them to come and be part of the film.

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Tolerance is you saying something crazy and me smiling and saying, 'That's nice.'

I feel coming on a strange disease - humility.

I'm a kind person; I don't have a really nihilist streak in me, but I respond to that kind of humour.

Not a day goes by when I don't wish I had both legs.

I try to be kind, and I try to reflect that in my comedy, but I'm also incredibly bad at being mean. I can't pull it off effectively, so I always end up reverting back to politeness.

Tayend nodded. “I know it won’t. I admit I was worried about you, but you are still your old self, underneath.” Dannyl straightened in protest. “Underneath what?” The Elyne stood up, waving one hand in Dannyl’s direction. “All…that.” “I’m reeling at your descriptive clarity,” Dannyl told him.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

If all my friends jumped off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them. I'd be at the bottom, hoping to catch them.

Don't Cry Darling, It's Blood All Right

I'm trying to feel sorry for you, really I am,"North said."If you wait just a moment I'm sure the tears will come.

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable.

When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.

Satirize wickedness if you must--but pity weakness.