Emo Philips Quotes

Comedy is only funny when there's real pain.

What these books have conclusively proven is that the diffence between men and women is exactly 38 pages.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever was.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.

Most comedy comes out of misery.

You never have a comedian who hasn't got a very deep strain of sadness within him or her. Every great clown has been very near to tragedy.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Believe it or not, there's a lot of humor in 'Mad Men.' Especially in the dark moments.

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

Pellet: “Men are all alike” Wendle: “Only some more than others”

Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery.

A lot of joking stems from a very dark place a bit.

I've always said, I like my coffee like I like my men... I don't drink coffee.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

My first words, as I was being born [...] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint.

The doctors are all agreed that I am suffering for want of society. Was never a case like it. First, I did not know that I was suffering at all. Secondly, as an Irishman might say, I had thought it was indigestion of the society I got.

If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style.

Oh, and I certainly don't suffer from schizophrenia. I quite enjoy it. And so do I.

I rang my mother to thank her for giving birth to me and she said, "What choice had I? You were in there, how else were you going to get out?

Misery makes sport to mock itself.