W. C. Fields Quotes

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I took a Fear of Flying class, and I always missed the class, because I was always flying.

Walk on water? I know most people out there will be saying that instead of walking on it, I should have taken more of it with my drinks. They are absolutely right.

Fear is what makes comedy funny.

It's no secret that beauty starts with water. It's just a basic thing - you look better if you drink loads of water. When I'm working, that's definitely the main thing I do.

Life is as horrifyingly frightening as it is hilarious.

Gotta always drink your water.

I drink as much water as I can when I remember.

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared.

I try to eat healthy all the time. I don't eat takeaways. I drink mostly water or coconut water.

My worryingly paradoxical thought process could be summarized thus: Thank God I don't believe in the secret rulers of the world. Imagine what the secret rulers of the world might do to me if I did!

I hate taking myself seriously. It drives me crazy!

my love of water ... is mingled with and almost indistinguishable from a fear of water (I can float in a vertical position - I enter a fugue state - but I cannot bear to bury my face in water).

The devil is not, indeed, perfectly humorous, but that is only because he is the extreme of all humor.

America is such a paradoxical society, hypocritically paradoxical, that if you don't have some humor, you'll crack up.

The sublime is only a step removed from the ridiculous.

Perhaps Kafka laughed when he told stories [. . . ] because one isn't always equal to oneself.

Wit is the clash and reconcilement of incongruities; the meeting of extremes round a corner.

You have no idea what an appetite it gives one, being executed.

My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

He was dead. However, his nose throbbed painfully, which he thought odd in the circumstances.

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

Do my ears deceive me, or can I actually hear the sounds of worms turning? You say a turning worm makes no sound? But how about a chorus of turning worms?