Beth Ostrosky Stern Quotes

I joke around all the time, 'I'm Asian; I'm really good at math.'

Everybody in the South loves the one closeted homosexual who's married. It's just too funny to not have in a movie about the South. It's an epidemic. You gotta represent!

No disrespect to Sweden: I didn't think of them as the comedy universe.

My husband and I are trying to make cats cool and it's working.

The Jews are always up for a laugh.

So many comics, skinny and fat, make fat jokes.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

She was my first cat ever, and I thought she was marvelous.

Why is it that all cars are women?" he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding," answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done," I told him.

Let's face it, most pretty girls aren't funny.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

I certainly didn't have New York Jewish humor. But I was in three Mel Brooks films so people thought I was a connoisseur of New York Jewish humor.

I take the most wrenchingly painful moments of my life, brush them off and present them for the amusement of others. Luckily for me, my childhood was torture.

No matter how you feel, you've got to be able to laugh at yourself. If you can laugh at Donald Trump, then you better be able to laugh at yourself, too. For us as comedians, we have to point out what's funny.

Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

I don't know if I'm particularly funny, I mean one of my legs is shorter than the other one, it makes everything look very awkward, so I can just pretty much look like an idiot, but I don't know whether I can be like witty. It could be a problem.

I'm not a psychopath-I'm wearing a tie!

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

I was a straight man long before I knew what it was called. I was just the boring one.

The actual Irish weather report is really a recording made in 1922, which no one has had occasion to change. "Scattered showers, periods of sunshine."

I just think women are funnier than men.

It really is great. Especially having people who we make fun every week come on and poke fun at themselves is really cool, I love that. No reality star has been mad at me yet for making fun of them. I'm sure that one day soon though, someone is going to take a swing at me.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

I think gay people are like blondes: There're fewer of them but they have more fun.