Bill Engvall Quotes

I cook and do my own laundry.

Do you clean yourself before you take a bath?

The washing of dishes does seem to me the most absurd and unsatisfactory business that I ever undertook. If, when once washed, they would remain clean for ever and ever (which they ought in all reason to do, considering how much trouble it is), there would be less occasion to grumble; but no sooner is it done, than it requires to be done again. On the whole, I have come to the resolution not to use more than one dish at each meal.

I'm great at washing dishes and I'm great at cleaning the house and all that kind of stuff. I don't like doing it, but I'm.

We are living in an interminable succession of absurdities imposed by the myopic logic of short-term thinking.

I'm sure nobody wants to know this, but my husband does all the cleaning - rather too much cleaning. It is too clean, the house!

Insight makes argument ridiculous.

It all comes down to who does the dishes.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

I got a statistic for you right now. Grab your pencil, Doug. There are five billion trees in the world. I looked it up. Under every tree is a shadow, right? So, then, what makes night? I'll tell you: shadows crawling out from under five billion trees! Think of it! Shadows running around in the air, muddying the waters you might say. If only we could figure a way to keep those darn five billion shadows under those trees, we could stay up half the night, Doug, because there'd be no night!

Domestic work, is, after all, both tedious and repetitive, and it is not surprising that most women and all men avoid as much of it as possible.

Of the Seven Dwarfs, the only one who shaved was Dopey. That should tell us something about the wisdom of shaving.

Feeling insignificant because the universe is large has exactly the same logic as feeling inadequate for not being a cow.

He was determined to discover the underlying logic behind the universe. Which was going to be hard, because there wasn't one.

I conclude that there is as much sense in nonsense as there is nonsense in sense.

By your logic I should also be in charge of Solinade dances, needlework, and horse thieving.

Two negatives don't make a positive, any more than two half-wits make a wit.

I just told you to be quiet. That's one step away from asking you to wash my laundry and make me a sandwich.

I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

I do not think therefore I am a moustache

Our universe is ruled by random whim, inhabited by people who laugh at logic.

Of course I'm inconsistent! Only logicians and cretins are consistent!

Reasoning is the pastime of my whole household, and all this reasoning has driven out Reason.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.