Brett Gelman Quotes

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Tang sucks.

I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there.

Nicey nicey just doesn't do it for me.

I haven't found it to be particularly enjoyable... ninety percent of the time when I go on dates, I'm thinking, 'I could be reading my book instead.'

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Connecting dots is not that rewarding of an experience.

It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.

Married sex is like being awake during your own autopsy. It is root canal work without anesthetic.

I was a schoolteacher for a while, and it was the worst job.

If you do something that you're not genuinely passionate about, it is a little soul-crushing. Just not worth it.

The discontented man finds no easy chair.

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

The glamour wears off and it soon becomes a job

My personal life is fairly barren.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

I really cringe at the sight of pattypan squash. So pretty and cute and having no taste or exciting texture. Dull.

I wouldn't wish overnight success on anyone. You have no real friends. Everyone works endless hours at different studios, so far apart. Even on your own lot, relationships were formal and often competitive.

Modeling sucks.

Was there ever a better invention in the cookie world than the Oreo?

A cupcake is just a muffin with clown puke topping.

There was a period when I had apple pie as a treat every day of the week. I mean, like, a family apple pie.

There's nothing worse than getting third.

You should never meet your heroes.

I'm never happy with any record, never truly been happy.