Richelle Mead Quotes

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I can get a call at 2 A.M., and the person on the other end is like: 'Sorry, did I wake you?' and I'm like: 'No, I'm wide awake.'

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I haven't been to sleep for over a year. That's why I go to bed early. One needs more rest if one doesn't sleep.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation Energy, Mayo Shattuck. That's a pretty cool first name, isn't it, Mayo. Pass the Mayo.

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

The goodness of your true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.

I had dinner recently with a guy who bragged that he had only gotten four hours of sleep that night. I didn't say it, but I thought to myself 'If you had gotten five, this dinner would have been a lot more interesting'

It was an hour before dawn. When all the Whos down in Whoville were asnooze in their beds without care. Sorry, wrong book. If I get to stay awake until dawn, I get just a tad slaphappy.

Physical fitness is in. I recently had a physical fit myself.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

The words in this book are all phooey. When you say them, your lips will make slips and back flips and your tongue may end up in Saint Looey!