Steven Wright Quotes

If anyone other than you had me fly halfway around the world just to keep me waiting while you were obviously lingering in bed, I’d have my driver run them over. Twice.

I always write back to people who are kind enough to write to me. Actually, I don't write - I recline on my red velvet sofa with my feet on the coffee table and dictate the letters to my eldest son.

Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars.

Money and fame made me believe I was entitled. I was wrong and foolish.

It would be all right with me. I'd probably get a car and driver out of it.

A Halloween-haired, Sachsgate-enacting, estuary-whining, glitter-lacquered, priapic berk How dare I, from my velvet chaise longue, in my Hollywood home like Kubla Khan, drag my limbs from my harem to moan about the system? A system that has posited me on a lilo made of thighs in an ocean filled with honey and foie gras'd my Essex arse with undue praise and money.

I don't need to go into office for the power. I have houses all over the world, stupendous boats... beautiful airplanes, a beautiful wife, a beautiful family... I am making a sacrifice.

It's much easier to get disgusted when you've already banked 20 million bucks.

I am very privileged. I have everything I want and more.

What's a good metaphor for a Harvard student? A talking, gold-plated pile of manure, wearing a fleece.

I've seen guys who had the craziest amount of talent growing up and let that hype and whatnot and the money go to their head.

I like nice things. I've always had nice things.

I was a kid when I did the hit show 'Kasturi' in 2007. Maybe stardom went to my head and I thought I was bigger than I actually was. I took everything for granted.

It's easy to get swept up in the trappings of that sort of lifestyle, but I've been doing it for long enough that I know how easy it is to fall victim to that sort of arrogance and cockiness that celebrity culture can bring about, in young men especially.

I honestly don't need much money. People love to buy me drinks. Hostesses love to feed me. Famous artists lavish me with expensive artworks, and heiresses do the same with jewels that I promptly lose.

It's very hard to argue with someone who thinks he is God because he makes a lot of money.

He (William Howard Taft) had little patience with the unconscious arrogance of conscious wealth and financial success.

Whoever opined "Money can't buy you happiness" obviously had far too much of the stuff.

Me myself I park in handicap, the reason why... ya know my bankroll make me walk with a crazy limp.

In such a world as ours the idle man is not so much a biped as a bivalve; and the wealth which breeds idleness, of which the English peerage is an example, and of which we are beginning to abound in specimens in this country, is only a sort of human oyster bed, where heirs and heiresses are planted, to spend a contemptible life of slothfulness in growing plump and succulent for the grave-worms' banquet.

That's pretty tough talk from a guy who has fewer days at work this year than he has houses.

Me having a beautiful wife and great family and friends around me, all the money I've got, all the things that I've got, a Ferrari that I just ripped the top off of and turned into a convertible, the rings I got, the two mansions on the water, a master's in criminal justice, I'm a cop, plus I look good. So me shooting 40 percent at the foul line is just God's way of saying that nobody's perfect. If I shot 90 percent from the line, it just wouldn't be right.

Ignorance is degrading only when found in company with great riches.

Like every other rich asshole, I have a cook and he's in my trailer making food all the time.

He can afford to be a fool.