Rachel Dratch Quotes

I couldn't stand people writing about me the way I write about politicians.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

I was only saying to the Queen the other day how I hate name dropping.

I think those that are holier-than-thou don't make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn't take himself too seriously. This is what I believe in and I'm comfortable with that and I can make a joke here and there.

I just don't like when there's a rumor that says I'm dating someone who is below my standards. But when I got divorced, my ex-wife said I was spending all my time with Lindsay Lohan and Angelina Jolie. I was like, 'Thank you for the big ups!'

I'm a goody-goody. I'm the person who sits in the back row, makes fun of the teacher, and secretly does the extra-credit work.

I wish I was having as much fun as the press reports said I had.

I don't like to brag, but I must tell you that I am regarded in some circles as being in the upper echelons of the elite loony left.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

Governor Blanco is like Packman without the looks.

If I had two faces, do you think I would be wearing this one.

The man who cannot laugh is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils, but his whole life is already a treason and a stratagem.

I will take Al Sharpton seriously. And I know him, he's a nice, nice person.

I'm quite happy to laugh at Argentina's obsession with ham and cheese, but not, you know, delicate bits of their history.

The world doesn't realise I have a regular job!

Why would you want a picture with a wee, chubby guy from Bathgate? I just don't understand my appeal.

I don't try to impress people. Sometimes my jokes can be very harsh; I'm very sarcastic. I would joke about something disgusting, and my agent might be like, 'OK, maybe leave that behind for this one meeting. The burping? Maybe don't do that.'

Comedy actually works best when you're living in an OK world, and you are pointing out the hypocrisy in apathy.

There's not too much Edge in Adam Copeland, but there's a little bit of my sarcasm and my sense of humor, I guess, but I'm not a sleazy, raving maniac like the character of Edge could be.

I love book clubs. I just hate reading and talking to people.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Men who retain irony are not to be trusted. They can't always resist an impulse to tickle themselves.

It never hurts to apologize, especially if you don't mean it.

He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.

People say I slept with seven miss worlds, I didn't. It was only four, I didn't turn up for the other three