Dave Barry Quotes

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.

I used to go in for Disney auditions, and they'd tell me, 'You're cute and nice but just not funny.'

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

It's so funny because my mom is Thai and my dad is this big American guy - and our food tastes were so similar growing up. He was meat and potatoes, I was meat and potatoes.

Disney produces fabulous movies around certain characters, and then they commercialize that engagement through toys, books, cruises.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

I like to watch a bit of Disney, sprinkle some cocaine on some melon and just sit and eat it. I'm joking, I'm joking. There's no Disney.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.

Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.