Rush Limbaugh Quotes

Sometimes a witticism has no truth behind it.

A caricature is putting the face of a joke on the body of a truth.

When I say something untrue on the air, I mean for it to be transparently untrue. I assume people know when I'm just saying something for effect. Or to be funny.

In the end, everything is a gag.

The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

First Lady sounds like the name of a race horse.

My favorite show tune has got to be Stephen Sondheim's 'I Remember Sky.' It's probably the saddest song of all time; I sing it to myself in the mirror. No, I am kidding. That's the joke.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

I am a comedian and you guys know whatever I say, I don't mean any of it.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.

Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, 'On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.'

The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he's ever been to Kenya, Obama said, 'Of course. I was born - no, bored - over there. There's nothing to do in Kenya.'

George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.

Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'

People who go for humor are wonderful because they do great humor. People who go for wit and end up with humor are people who have made a mistake.

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.

TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say: Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.

What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

It's a dangerous game that comedy plays. Sometimes it tells you the truth; sometimes it delays it.

Pennsylvania, the state that has produced two great men: Benjamin Franklin of Massachusetts, and Albert Gallatin of Switzerland.