Frank Carson Quotes

I am dying. Please ... bring me a toothpick.

I've always had bronchitis. I've been administered the Sacrament of Death three times for it.

Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Just in case you get pneumonia or die. The dangerous bits are always the last days of shooting.

I'm dying!" Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

Then there was the time in Hollywood when I sat down in a breakaway chair and it collapsed on me. I was nearly knocked out and might have been even more seriously hurt but my fall was broken by the smog.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."

He was dead. However, his nose throbbed painfully, which he thought odd in the circumstances.

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.