My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'
I remember once in high school the umpire called me out at third base when I was sure I was safe. I got so mad I took out my glass eye, handed it to him and said, 'Try this.' I got such a laugh you wouldn't believe.
I can be just as effective with a quick retort or a one-liner than with a big paragraph.
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
You're late," she said, tapping her watch. "No, you're just early.
How does it feel to be a woman minister? I don't know; I've never been a man minister.
The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'
The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
My mind reels with sarcastic replies.
What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay.
[about her offer of a Swedish massage] Alex: You're not Swedish. Brittany: Yeah, well, neither are you. So if I do it wrong you'll never know the difference.
Make-up? What happened? You look almost female." "Thanks. You look almost straight.
Now I see some family resemblance. I was starting to wonder if Jill was adopted, but you two kind of look like each other." "So does our mailman back in North Dakota," said Adrian.
That evening I rode downtown on an unaccountably empty bus, sitting in the last row. At the front I saw a thin cloud of smoke rising around the driver’s head. ‘Hey, bus driver,’ I said. ‘Can I smoke?’ ‘May I,’ said the bus driver. ‘I love you,’ I said.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
When people ask me, 'Why don't you drink?' I usually smile and say 'Because I'm not good at it.'
I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
If someone asks a stupid question, you can only give a stupid answer or appear arrogant.
I was asked once,'your a smart man,why arnt you rich?I replied 'your a rich man,why arnt you smart?
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
