Janeane Garofalo Quotes

Amazing.” Hi stripped off his shirt, wrung it out. “Score one for your honker.” “Thanks, I think.” I cocked my chin at Hi’s substantial midsection. “Nice abs.” “Yeah, I work out twice a month. No expectations. But stop hitting on me, it’s embarrassing.

Oscar Wilde: 'Do you mind if I smoke?' Sarah Bernhardt: 'I don't care if you burn.'

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

In my opinion, Armani, better than any other designer, does great things for the female form. And a pair of Levis does great things for the male physique. Not that I look.

I mean, seriously, what lady of taste could resist a shiny green head of hair like mine?

Mr. Doctor, that loose gown becomes you so well I wonder your notions should be so narrow.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

When Jennie, mother of Winston Churchill invited playwright George Bernard Shaw to lunch, he telegraphed: "Certainly not. What have I done to provoke such an attack on my well-known habits?" She replied, "Know nothing of your habits; hope they are better than your manners."

I don’t know. D’you think? He’s pretty wide in the chest.” The girl looked at me, and I was frozen. So I said, “Yeah. I work out.” Violet asked me, “What are you? What’s your cup size?” I shrugged and played along. “Like, nine and a half?” I guessed. “That’s my shoe size.” Violet said, “I think he’d like something slinky, kind of silky.” I said, “As long as you can stop me from rubbing myself up against a wall the whole time.” “Okay,” said Violet, holding her hands up like she was annoyed. “Okay, the chemise last week was a mistake.

Oh my gosh,Nick. You're not wearing a shirt! This must be one of those exciting days ending in Y.

I am in perfect health, and hear it said I look better than ever I did in my life, which is one of those lies one is always glad to hear.

Not even a hand-stitched suit could hide a body gone ruinously to seed. I was tempted to offer some fashion advice, but I didn't think he'd welcome the news that this year, bellies are being worn inside the trousers.

I exercise daily to keep my figure. I keep patting my hand against the bottom of my chin. It works too. I have the thinnest fingers in town.

I had pecs for about two days. Everyone would hate me. Just look at me walking around with my little peacoat on. My little customized pea coat.

I don't whistle at you down the street. I would if I could, but I can't whistle you see.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

How ya doin'?' I always think, What kind of a question is that?, and I always reply, 'A bit early to tell.

It's nice to see you again, Laura." "Thank you, Mrs. T-" "No, no, no. Please, my name is-" "Mud," I suggested. "Mud Barfbag Taylor. Call her Asshat for short." ~Laura, Antonia, Betsy

I've got a perfect body, 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat

I'm a real pawn-shopper.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

I've waited all my life to say this... I weigh less than Elizabeth Taylor!

It's weird, I actually like doing interviews now. Ever since I gave up therapy, it's my only time with a captive audience.

You should be thankful that dark colors suit you. Not everyone wears black well." "Why, Lady Olivia, is that a compliment?" "Not so much as a compliment to you as an insult to everyone else," she assured him. "Thanks heaven for that. I don't think I would know how to conduct myself in a world in which you offered compliments.