Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

I remember listening to the radio as a kid and finding that the songs always made me feel more peaceful. Funny, but the more hurtin' the music was, the better it made me feel. I think of that now when I write my songs. I may not be feelin' the blues myself, but I'm writing them for other people who have a hard life.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I really try to have fun. If I don't have fun, you won't have fun. That's what my gift is: to relieve people from a little of the pain and comfort in their lives by allowing my comedy to distract them. A good laugh is almost as good as any doctor visit.

Among the remedies which it has pleased Almighty God to give to man to relieve his sufferings, none is so universal and so efficacious as opium.

Diseases desperate grown by desperate appliance are relieved, or not at all.

I don't know if I realized that I was funny, but I realized how healing and important humor was in my childhood.

Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Onion juice and peel applied to the face and scalp is a great natural detoxifier. I followed it for some time but it kills your social life! You can say I didn't find it very a-peeling.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

Nature, time and patience are three great physicians.

When I have a cocktail, I love a vodka and cranberry. But when I was a kid my mother was really against drinking, because it was so bad for your skin. She'd say, "Stephanie, it's much better to wash your face with vodka."

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."