Dave Attell Quotes

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When we had been married five years, we had six children. What, in God's name, was wrong with me?

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I will take to my grave with me the atmosphere of the first 'Cursed Child' preview, because no one knew anything. Only very rarely have I been able to deploy the phrase 'audible gasps.'

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Jackpot, Max! Jackpot!" It was Fang and he was giggling hysterically. For those of you just joining us, Fang doesn't giggle, esspecially hysterically.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

Holy crow!" ~Bella Swan

Even though he was here, she couldn't quite process it. She squeered her eyes shut before opening them again. Yep, still there. Amazing.

He leaned closer to me and then seemed shocked as he realized what he was doing. "Why would you do that? Why would you do that for me?

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Juno MacGuff: [yelling through the house] Dad? Mac MacGuff: What? Juno MacGuff: Either I just peed my pants or um... Mac MacGuff: *Or*...? Juno MacGuff: THUNDERCATS ARE GO!

For a moment, they all stood staring at each other. Then Holly shattered the stillness by throwing herself at Angela. "God, Angie!" she exclaimed, arms locked around her neck. "What Happened?

Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.

I was so astonished that I could think of nothing to say, but wondered irrelevantly if I was to be caught with a teapot in my hand on every dramatic occasion.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised - to notice that there is something funny going on.

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.