John Cleese Quotes

I would like to thank the press from the heart of my bottom.

Satire is fascinating stuff. It's deadly serious, and when politics begin to break down, there is a drift towards satire, because it's the only thing that makes any sense.

Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.

I'm not a great believer in awards-of course the fact that I've never won one has nothing to do with it at all!

We think of the noble object for which the professor appears tonight, we may be assured that the Lord will forgive any one who will laugh at the professor.

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

I am much obliged to you gentlemen for leaving me one sentence of my own.

[Addressing Robert Peel, 1788-1850:] The Right Honorable Gentleman's smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin.

Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!

I'm very happy that major players are always giving their opinions about my life, my game. I am very thankful for that.

I guess I know how to dress myself, and that's probably the only thing I can do, so it's nice that somebody notices.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

A Spaniard will seek to persuade you that the bull-ring is an institution got up chiefly for the benefit of the bull.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

You are absolute angels of the first order. If I were Pope, I’d canonize you.” “The Pope would probably love to turn a cannon on you!

The United States deserves nothing but love and adoration and gold medals left and right and peace prizes left and right, things we never get.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Sarcasm... the protest of those who are weak.

As I said, this was my sarcastic summer. It was only long after that I recognized sarcasm as the protest of people who are weak.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.

Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you.

He wondered why the pelican was the symbol of charity, except it was that it wanted a good deal of charity to admire a pelican.

Cynicism is the humor of hatred.

If you're sloppy, that's just fine. If you're moody, I won't mind. If you're fat, that's fine with me. If you're skinny, let it be. If you're bossy, that's all right. if you're nasty, I won't fight. If you're rough, well that's just you. If you're mean, that's all right too. Whatever you are is all okay. I don't like you anyway.