Dorothy Parker Quotes

I was always the kid at school who thought it was a good idea to set off the fire alarm. And much as I'm aware that that's a trait which also propels other things which are good, I wish I could just pause and go, 'Is this really what you want to do?'

Every article I've read about myself always winds up concluding that I am not, in fact, completely stupid.

I've been criticized for the things I chose and things I've chosen to do.

Some of the things I've said, I don't even agree with.

I guess I know how to dress myself, and that's probably the only thing I can do, so it's nice that somebody notices.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this: "He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.

I was told that The Chinese said they would bury me by the Western Lake and build a shrine to my memory. I have some slight regret that this did not happen, as I might have become a god, which would have been very chic for an atheist.

Any time something is written against me, I not only share the sentiment but feel I could do the job far better myself. Perhaps I should advise would-be enemies to send me their grievances beforehand, with full assurance that they will receive my every aid and support. I have even secretly longed to write, under a pen name, a merciless tirade against myself.

When I want to be reminded of stupidity, especially my own, I turn on the TV.

I know, I'm an idiot!" Leo moaned. "A brilliant idiot, but still an idiot.

"My father," she admitted, "was of Italian extraction. Unfortunately, not an affliction that can be cured." She paused. "Though he did die."

Irony is the word I forget the meaning of immediately after I look it up, but I kind of feel like I live in a constant state of it.

"I know quite enough of myself," said Bella, with a charming air of being inclined to give herself up as a bad job, "and I don't improve upon acquaintance..."

All of my friends were seeing a therapist, and I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't see a therapist. So I went to a therapist to find out why I wasn't seeing a therapist. And it turns out I'm very screwed up. Thank God I found a therapist to tell me for $125 an hour.

I’d like to. Problem is, I’m not stupid.” “You act stupid.” “Right. Thanks for that. For your information, there’s a difference between acting stupid and being stupid.” “It’s a fine line, but someone has to draw it.

I want my tombstone to read: If this is a joke, I don't get it.

If I cannot brag of knowing something, then I brag of not knowing it; at any rate, brag.

Irony gives us, at little expense, the impression that we are experienced psychologists.

This paper of yours is so lightly written that you must have sweated terribly.

If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.

I swear to you on any kind of sacred whateverthefuck you favor: if I live through this I will absolutely start taking your advice." "That'll look nice on your headstone.

My epitaph? My epitaph will be, 'Curiosity did not kill this cat'.

The urging of that word, judgment, hath bred a kind of remorse in me.

Really, I scolded myself, you should have known that you'd end up in a stone dungeon with no facilities. That's how these things always end up, isn't it?