W. C. Fields Quotes

Thank God I'm an atheist.

I'm a born - again atheist.

Thank you God for making me an atheist.

The only thing I can say about W. C. Fields ... is this: Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

I'm still an atheist, thank God.

Thank God, I am still an atheist.

I like the story about Henry David Thoreau, who, when he was on his death bed, his family sent for a minister. The minister said, 'Henry, have you made your peace with God?' Thoreau said, 'I didn't know we'd quarreled.'

I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.

I am an atheist still, thank God.

Today I fell asleep reading a book. The book is called INSOMNIA. I win.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

I'd like to thank God for making me an atheist.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

I was born serious and I have earned my bread making other people laugh.

In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.

I'll give you the same advice I give my children: Never take advice from anybody.

There is no book on which we can rest in a dying moment but the Bible.

What took you so long?” Will asked when Evie came panting into the room. He and Jericho had assembled a stack of books, which they were tucking into Will’s attaché case. “I walked to Jerusalem for the Bible. I knew you’d want an original,” Evie snapped.

I don't like religion much, and I am glad that in the Bible the word is not to be found.

Faith in God means believing absolutely in something with no proof whatsoever. Faith in humanity means believing absolutely in something with a huge amount of proof to the contrary. We are the true believers.

I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

Never trust a theologian who doesn't have a sense of humor.

He's a jokester, and that's funny, very funny. Ha-ha. Very funny.