Dennis Miller Quotes

I am like Howard Beale. When he came out of the rain and he was like, none of this makes any sense. I am that guy.

[Jenks]"I think you're all screwy in the head," he said when Bis nodded his encouragement. "But go ahead. I've got Quen's number in my phone. I'll call him if you both explode in a flash of black underwear and money so I won't have to fly all the way home.

Eve was still frowning at the pasta like she suspected it was going to do something clever, like try to escape from the pot.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

I want my tombstone to read: If this is a joke, I don't get it.

Ha, but my life is a box of wormgears.

It was like the entire world was colluding to make me feel insane, and it was doing a really good job.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

The fountains of sacred rivers flow upwards (i.e., everything is turned topsy turvy).

What do I look like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead, take mine. Take everything I have.

Oh, no, a leopard blew up and plastered itself all over everything, but hey, animal print was in this year.

Lillian shut her eyes briefly, as if she hoped when she opened them she would behold a world in which people never said ridiculous things.

That must be fine, for I don't understand a word.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to go crazy. I forget how.

I will not listen to your verse on an empty stomach!" declared the Vicomte. "You have no soul," said Philippe sadly. "But I have a stomach, and it cries aloud for sustenance." "I weep for you," said Philip. "Why do I waste my poetic gems upon you?

What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?” “Oh no, Ron,” came Fred’s voice, very sarcastically. “No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up.

We're living in such a fantasy world where nothing makes sense anymore.

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, 'I ain't got any tattoo on my back.' 'What you got on it?' the girl said. 'My shirt,' Parker said. 'Haw.' 'Haw, haw,' the girl said politely.

Annoyed?” said Sophie. “Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me?

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Is there anything so grave and serious as an ass?

If I had a sense of humor, I'd be laughing right now.

Make sense who may. I switch off.