Conan O'Brien Quotes

When I'm out the country, niggas call me Neeki. Hi, how are you? Yes, it's nice to meet me.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

The country didn't get that way in a week; we've had years and years of getting behind in our economy. So President [Barack] Obama stepped into a hellhole and people wanted him to change it as soon as he came in. But he's got his adversaries to deal with in the House and Senate, so it's not easy.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

Hathaway!" Stan barked, coming from the direction of the field. "Nice of you to join us. Get in there now! You're lucky you aren't one of the first ones, " he growled.People were even making bets about whether you'd show. " "Really?" I asked cheerfully. "What kind of odds are there on that? Because I can still change my mind and put down my own bet. Make a little pocket money.

No wonder he has such nice teeth. They probably pay him in dental floss.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

I'm sure every pattern has been covered, but it's nice to think you might dwell on some that other people don't.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I had pecs for about two days. Everyone would hate me. Just look at me walking around with my little peacoat on. My little customized pea coat.

But fighting to give women and girls a fighting chance isn’t a nice thing to-do. It isn’t some luxury that we get to when we have time on our hands to spend. This is a core imperative for every human being in every society. If we do not continue the campaign for women’s rights and opportunities, the world we want to live, the country we all love and cherish, will not be what it should be.

I've tried to be a better person... I've tried, and tried and tried! You know how hard I've tried! Tell me how I've tried..." "Nice try... Five cents, please!

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap? Ophelia: No, my lord. Hamlet: DId you think I meant country matters? Ophelia: I think nothing, my lord. Hamlet: That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs. Ophelia: What is, my lord? Hamlet: Nothing.

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.