Chelsea Handler Quotes

A man will part with anything so long as he's drunk, and you're drunk with him.

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

Olivia: What's a drunken man like, fool? Feste: Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.

Come, for my part I will have only those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk, and very slovenly.

If drunk were cookies, I'd be Famous Amos

It would be pleasant to be drunk.

Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness.

"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "Ask a glass of water."

Macduff: What three things does drink especially provoke? Porter: Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine.

I was a little drunk. Not drunk in any positive sense but just enough to be careless.

Getting drunk was good. I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe if you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn't become so obvious yourself.

It is time to get drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of Time, get drunk; get drunk without stopping! On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you wish.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

Wine is wont to show the mind of man.

I wanna get drunk 'til I'm off my mind. One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.

Promise me one thing: don't take me home until I'm drunk - very drunk indeed.

Getting drunk . . . you're in complete control up to a point. It's your choice, every time you take a sip. You have a lot of small choices. It's like . . . I guess it's the difference between suicide and slow capitulation . . .

One should always be drunk. That's all that matters...But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk.

I guess that's the point of drinking, to take all the feelings and thoughts and morals away until you are just a body doing what a body will do.

With wine, poetry, or virtue as you choose. But get drunk.

Maybe she was drunk - the woman never could drink. One little sniff of tequila and she was off into some blonde la-la land.

Imma sip until I feel it, Imma smoke until it's done.

Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things . . . nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.

In order not to feel time's horrid fardel bruise your shoulders, grinding you into the earth, get drunk and stay that way. On what? On wine, poetry, virtue, whatever. But get drunk!