Stephen Colbert Quotes

Vodka does not ease back pain. But it does get your mind off it.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

How am I going to listen to that horrible noise I make without a gram of coke and a couple of double Jack Daniels?

The only way of rendering life endurable is to drink as much wine as one can come by.

I think you are out of your mind if you keep taking jobs that you don't like because you think it will look good on your resume. Isn't that a little like saving up sex for your old age?

I don't know why anyone does the job without that pressure.

I never thought that alcohol could ease the notion of the sadness, Now what used to be a happy home done turned into some bad sh!t

I think I think too much. That's why I drink!

Most of my life I have done what I wanted to do. I have had fun on the job.

To drink away sorrow.

Somehow I always get stronger when I'm on my second drink

Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves with any kind of job we have that we kind of forget that we do this because it's supposed to be fun because we love it.

When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

I fought against the bottle, but I had to do it drunk. Took my diamond to the pawn shop, but that don't make it junk.

Now, if your boss is a sadist, then you have a big problem. In that case, fire your boss and get a new job.

Making a living and having a life are not the same thing. Making a living and making a life that's worthwhile are not the same thing. Living the good life and living a good life are not the same thing. A job title doesn't even come close to answering the question. "What do you do?".

I would lock myself in my room and drink a case of Corona and smoke a load of pot.

Hey, ah, does anyone want a cookie or something? Oh yeah. A cookie. That would make everything better. Dunked in a shot of tequila , maybe? Or better yet, just the bottle? Yeah, that ought to do it.

And the more I drink the more I feel it. That's why I drink too. I try to find sympathy and feeling in drink.... I drink so that I may suffer twice as much!

To drink for pleasure may be a distraction, but to drink from misery is always a danger.

I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty, they will need things like the drugs they choose to use. Mankind has wanted to change the way it felt from the beginning anyway. In this country there are even more reasons to want to feel different, to want to feel better, because this is such a neon sewer. This is such a degrading culture. It forces you to play Beethoven to your child in the uterus so that he will get into a better school and a better job and make more money so he can take care of you.

Booze takes a lot of time and effort if you're going to do a good job with it.