Chelsea Handler Quotes

There is love there. And then there's times when I can't even stomach Simon. You don't have to sit next to him. That's all I have to say.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

I try not to carry any character back home because that would be extremely frustrating for my family.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Men and women understand different things about personal boundaries. What men call privacy, women know as secrecy.

When you have a girlfriend, there are many things that are irritating every day, every night. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but when you fight, it gets really annoying.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

Don't get your panties in such a twist... and give me back mine.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

Stuart needs "space" and "time," as if this were physics and not a human relationship.

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

It's hard to confront someone without knowing, [but] I think the first thing you should do in a relationship - any kind of relationship - is confront. Then, if they seem shady, maybe go for the email or the text message.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

galatea was a serious girl. she was pale and looked like tears all over. big ed passed his hand through his hair and said hello. she looked at him steadily. "where have you been? why did you do this to me?" and she gave dean a dirty look; she knew the score. dean paid absolutely no attention; what he wanted now was food; he asked jane if there was anything. the confusion began right there.

Good isn't my thing but Sawyer's important to me. Please remember I've got my limits and you studying my mouth like you want a taste is pushing me dangerously close to the edge of those limits.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

In the two months I had also dated Justin Fellowes, this guy in my Spanish class, though after three weeks we decided we should "see other people," which in my case was a joke, but it beat hearing him remark on everything I ate. 'I don't know why girls are always on a diet,' he'd say when I ordered a Diet Coke, and 'You should watch your starch intake' when I had a muffin.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

At the (record company) meeting Paul just kept mithering on about what we were going to do, so in the end I just said, 'I think you're daft. I want a divorce.'