S. J. Perelman Quotes

You're only as good as your last haircut.

To accuse another of having weak kidneys, lungs, or heart, is not a crime; on the contrary, saying he has a weak brain is a crime. To be considered stupid and to be told so is more painful than being called gluttonous, mendacious, violent, lascivious, lazy, cowardly: every weakness, every vice, has found its defenders, its rhetoric, its ennoblement and exaltation, but stupidity hasn't.

It is not depravity that afflicts the human race so much as a general lack of intelligence.

I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. I've met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart.

Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

When I looked them in the face, I saw a crowd of imbeciles.

Many of us are quite stupid.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

Stupidity is not my strong suit.

I look at you and I see the final triumph of stupidity in the world!

He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.

This cures everything except stupidity, which is an epidemic on the rise.

It is against stupidity in every shape and form that we have to wage our eternal battle. But how can we wonder at the want of sense on the part of those who have had no advantages, when we see such plentiful absence of that commodity on the part of those who have had all the advantages?

No woman can be a beauty without a fortune.

The stupidity of one brain multiplied by twelve.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.

Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.