Bob Goff Quotes

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.

Thank goodness my education was neglected.

You can get rich making fun of me. I know. I've made lots of money making fun of me.

What's so brave about being bald? I've not fought for my country or found the cure for cancer - I've just gone out without my hat on!

I love playing the macho guy who looks like an idiot.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

If I knew that 3D was going to be such a big deal, I would have gotten that boob job 10 years ago.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I am funny. No one else thinks I am funny. But I am funny.

I don't take myself seriously. Others should take me seriously, I don't.

Irony has seeped into the felt of any fedora hat I have ever owned - not out of any wish of mine, but out of necessity. A fedora hat worn by me without the necessary protective irony would eat through my head and kill me.

My speaking style was criticised by no less an authority than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a low moment, my friends, to have my rhetorical skills denounced by a monosyllabic Austrian cyborg.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

When you take a character seriously, there's more room for comedy because you're not aware of how absurd you are.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

I've turned arrogance into an artform, where it's so absurd that it becomes comedy. But I've never done anything to hurt anybody or steal from anyone.

Today I still feel like the most illiterate person ever to have roamed the campuses of Wellesley and Harvard, where I later transferred. I remain intimidated by all the books I haven't read, but over the years I've come to realize that being a student is a lifelong adventure.

The Seinfeld motto: No learning, no hugging.

I'd like to have a perfect sense of direction. I could get lost with a GPS strapped to my arm.

I kinda liked ol' Shakespeare and them guys, you know. I went back and got my master's just in case. I thought, if I ever needed it, I'd have the sheepskin to show people no matter how dumb I looked, actually I was about half intelligent. I got the degree to let 'em know I wasn't as dumb as I acted.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.