Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

Someone killed my Mother and my Father and my Sister?" "Yes, someone did." "A Man?" "A Man." "Which means," said Bod, "you're asking the wrong question." Silas raised an eyebrow. "How so?" "Well," said Bod. "If I go outside in the world, the question isn't who will keep me safe from him?" "No?" "No. It's who will keep him safe from me?

We take care of those who are grieving, and when that's finished, they should know: We will follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice. Because hell is where they will reside. Hell is where they will reside.

Time wounds all heels.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

What I want all of you to know is that we are going to bring those who killed our fellow Americans to justice.

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

Justice belongs to those who claim it, but let the claimant beware lest he create new injustice by his claim and thus set the bloody pendulum of revenge into its inexorable motion

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!

Delay in vengeance delivers a heavier blow.

I believe in sometimes getting mad and always getting even.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

You promised him vengeance as well.' 'I promised him justice.' 'Call it what you will. It still comes down to blood." - Tywin & Tyrion

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

But still the block of Vengeance firm doth stand, and Fate, as swordsmith, hammers blow on blow.

A wrongdoing doesn't give us the right to do wrong.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

My neighbour, or my servant, or my child, has done me an injury, and it is just that he should suffer an injury in return. Such is the doctrine which Jesus Christ summoned his whole resources of persuasion to oppose.

Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

I'm like a woman scorned. I'm prepared to continue to kick their fanny until the last day I'm alive on this Earth because they have mistreated too many people.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.