Marc Maron Quotes

If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you.

I do things, and other people laugh at them. I rarely know what the joke is supposed to be or why they're laughing.

My worst habit is probably awkward laughing. I always awkward laugh, like when you're talking to someone and no one is saying anything, so I'll do an awkward laugh. I wish I didn't do that.

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn''t be seen dead at

I remember once acting really cool on a bus with this girl named Stephanie. When I got home, I realized that I had a really big zit on my forehead. If you have acne problems, you really shouldn't be acting like Don Juan. I should have been contrite - and apologized for exposing her to the angry pimple.

My fear is that I go up to the girl of my dreams and say 'I'm sorry, but I've got to say hello to you,' and she slides the stool back and gets up and walks away, saying, 'Not for me, Bub. I don't want anything to do with you.'

And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

I don't have the looks to compete at a bar, and I'm not that funny. So the last thing I want is to be in a situation where that's what I'm competing on. I'd rather be on OkCupid or Match, where I can write a 300-word essay about myself that's really good.

A girl came up to me in a bar and said she wanted to be my apple pie. I wish I'd said something cool, but I was stunned.

I was in preschool and a girl actually kissed me on the cheek. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what it meant, so I instantly grabbed her face and kissed her on the lips. And, then I got suspended.

I never want to be a showoff or attention getter or something that, truthfully, is kind of repulsive to me, but I get uncomfortable.

Flirting is funny. And it's awkward and weird.

When I go to a party, nobody says hello. But when I leave, everybody says goodbye.

You know, I'm not really any good at working out when people are flirting with me. And I think I'm too flirtatious with people I'm trying not to flirt with! What I am good at is making people feel uncomfortable. I don't want to but it always ends up happening!

I was just sitting in Target, just getting over my cold. I blew my nose and I see these people looking at me and kind of whispering and pointing. Finally, I went, 'Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? Do I have a booger on my face and no one's telling me?' I'm just not used to it.

If something can be said to make an awkward moment even worse, I'm going to say it.

Getting up to dance to your own stuff looks pretty pretentious. And leaving the dancefloor when it comes on is just awkward.

I get uncomfortable when people give me presents and watch me open them. I don't have birthday parties, because the idea of a group of people singing and looking at me while I'm blowing out candles gives me hives.

Can you imagine Simon as a kid? His imaginary friends probably never wanted to play with him.

I used to go red when anybody spoke to me. It's awful because you absolutely cannot control it. If you are a child that blushes, or is shy, the one thing you want in the world is to be the child who comes in and says, 'Hi,' to everyone and goes up and makes friends.

I was at a party in London when I met Bond producer Barbara Broccoli. She introduced herself, and I didn't believe her name. So I just replied: 'Yeah, and I'm Cathy Carrot.' I think maybe I got off on the wrong foot!

When I was in fifth grade, a boy put a rose on my desk and I threw it away. The attention makes me nervous.

When I was in high school, we were, like, 4,000 or 5,000 students, and 50 girls - and I didn't have a date for my prom. My father paid my cousin to take me.

Sometimes I - with comedy, it's like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don't. And when they don't, they don't. And that's it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you're like, 'Hi! I'm -' and you stumble, and they're like, 'It's over.'