Jon Stewart Quotes

She who drinks spirituous liquor, is of bad conduct, rebellious, diseased, mischievous, or wasteful, may at any time be divorced and superseded by another wife.

If you cannot work on the marriage or the women is a moron, staying married and cheating makes the most sense because divorce is disruptive to the family life and your bank account.

I'm not an adulterer. I'm not gay.

When I was married, I definitely went through a lying period.

Sobering up was responsible for breaking up my marriage. That's what it couldn't stand.

What white man has ever seen me drunk? Who has ever come to me hungry and left me unfed? Who has seen me beat my wives or abuse my children? What law have I broken?

A marriage can go wrong at any time.

My dad was a violent alcoholic. Really aggressive.

When my husband had an affair with someone else I watched his eyes glaze over when we ate dinner together and I heard him singing to himself without me, and when he tended the garden it was not for me. He was courteous and polite; he enjoyed being at home, but in the fantasy of his home I was not the one who sat opposite him and laughed at his jokes. He didn't want to change anything; he liked his life. The only thing he wanted to change was me.

Gamesters and highwaymen are generally very good to their whores, but they are very devils to their wives.

I've never done heroin or slept with people for money or anything.

Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!

I fooled around with Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams got pregnant.

Personally, it’s rude. You got three kids with the lady, she just did 17 years for you and you’re not gonna leave your...whatever!

Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

The abuse of prescription pills is a real thing. I understand that there are people that really need them and I understand that there are people that abuse them, and it's just a gray line that unfortunately has to exist.

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

Women leave their marriages when they can't take any more. Men leave when they find someone new.

Loving a man shouldn't have to be this rough

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

All you drunkards: Put down the intoxicating Vanity Metrics.

Your kiss is bitter with cocaine.

We drink and we die and continue to drink.