Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

To do something funny, you have to have experienced it in real life and digested it in a way that amuses you.

I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Whenever anybody is pursuing power, he's got to be funny.

An old-codger comedy - that's what I want to do.

My humour is spot on.

I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.

I think a comedian has to be low status on some level; that gives you the right to do all sorts of jokes about all sorts of different kinds of people.

Canadians can be funny.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

A human being having a full emotional conversation with a dog is funny, innately. It's one of those things where you get in a scene and you always go for what is the best joke, and a talking dog for some reason, whatever he says, is hilarious." (about his role wiht a talking dog in the forthcoming MEN IN BLACK sequel.

When superiors are fond of showing their humanity, inferiors try to outstrip one another in their practice of it.

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.

I gravitate towards anything that has a grain of comedy to it.

I started finding humor in everything. I used to watch a lot of TV, and I finally figured I didn't need to watch TV to find funny stuff. I just watch the commercials. I mean, the commercials just blew my mind.

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

I'm a goofball and a comedian.

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe.

You can only be funny if you have matters of great importance on your mind.